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 Post subject: Not hearing a Thunderstorm (Weekly Goal #297)
PostPosted: Fri Mar 09, 2018 9:56 pm 
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Joined: Thu Oct 06, 2016 5:14 pm
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Location: Florida
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Age: 09 Jan 1962
[Since I couldn't work it into any of my PbP games, I just wrote SOMETHING]

The clear blue sky with only a few small white scattered clouds in the distance ... lied. The trees told the truth. Their gentle swaying had been replaced by a violent shaking, like a rag in a dog's mouth. The contrary winds foretold a change in the weather. As the morning wore on, the small white clouds slowly inched across the sky at a plodding pace that seemed to argue against the evidence of the trees and the leaves at the strength and speed of the wind. Yet the wind would not be denied, so the whole family spent the morning bringing indoors all of the smaller items that were threatening to blow away.

By midmorning, a thin layer of soft, bright cloud covered half the sky. It still moved slowly towards us, but the wind now seemed to pile clouds on top of clouds as the front of the cloud became thicker and started to grow sunward. "Gonna rain" said Pa, with that knowing certainty he had about everything. "Gonna be a bad un". Momma shouted and we had to hurry and help bring in the laundry off the line. Well, everyone except me. Pa said I had to bring in the animals from the field and put them in the barn, while he went to secure the chickens inside the coop. All but that stupid cow went without a fuss, she stepped on my foot. I swear she does that on purpose ... stupid cow. I can't wait til she stops giving milk and becomes barbeque. [I grinned at the thought, and I was getting hungry for lunch]. "OUCH! Quit steppin on my feet you stupid cow!" ... "mooo" she replied, unapologetically.

The barn closed tight and everything locked down, we ate lunch quickly and headed out to the front porch to sit and watch. The clouds had gotten much taller, but only a little closer. On the other hand, there was very little white left in them. Some traces of white on the top where the sun shone on the precipitous edge of the approaching storm, but mostly there was lots of different shades of dark grey. By mid-afternoon, the edge of the clouds had arrived and the sky was pitch black. It made a strange contrast to the bright blue horizon with sunlight streaming at an angle beneath the clouds. Then came the rain in large drops that rapidly increased in numbers until you could barely see the barn from the porch. The smell of rain replaced the constant smell of dust and animals. It was a welcome relief.

Towards late afternoon, Pa went to check on the chickens and sent me to check on the barn. The slicker kept the rain off most of me, but nothing could be done about sinking mid shin into the mud, suffering the feeling of water pouring into my boot, then struggling to pull my foot out of the mud to take another step and repeat the process. The animals were fine. The barn was still closed up tight. Now, every step resulted in a a slimy squish that oozed water from out of my boot.

"How was the barn?" asked Pa as I returned to the porch.

"Fine" I said.

"Good job." was his reply.

I pulled off the boots and socks and set them out to dry. Fortunately, it was a warm day. 'I should probably have just gone to the barn barefoot' I thought. It will take three days for those boots to dry out completely.

The sun must be setting, because the horizon is as dark as the sky. In the darkness, flashes of light both within and beneath the cloud ... at this point the sky seemed to be covered by one giant cloud ... briefly illuminated the landscape with a piercing light as you felt the porch shake clear down to your bones.

As quick as the rain started, it just stopped. The sky was still covered in dark clouds for as far as the eye could see. An occasional flash still illuminated deep inside the cloud. But the rain was over. Suddenly, a bright red orb appeared briefly between the cloud and the horizon as the sun set ... for real this time.

"Well, time for bed. Breakfast comes early." said Pa. We headed upstairs as he headed to the barn to milk that stupid cow. I bet it doesn't step on his feet.


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 Post subject: Re: Not hearing a Thunderstorm (Weekly Goal #297)
PostPosted: Mon Mar 12, 2018 8:50 am 
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Nice detail; boots drying, cow stepping on foot. That would seriously hurt! Break out the barbecue sauce!

If you want feedback, here are two thoughts. The first paragraph starts in third person "the whole family" and then moves inside the head of one person. Was that intentional? The other thought is about dense paragraphs and speaking. In one paragraph you quote three different people.

Overall it seems a much richer level of description than your earlier writings. I've always enjoyed the characters you bring to the game; adding a rich amount of "show vs tell" will make things even better!

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 Post subject: Re: Not hearing a Thunderstorm (Weekly Goal #297)
PostPosted: Mon Mar 12, 2018 1:43 pm 
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Joined: Thu Oct 06, 2016 5:14 pm
Posts: 340
Location: Florida
Sex: Male
Are you a published author?: Yes
Age: 09 Jan 1962
I started out watching a time lapse video of a thunderstorm on YouTube with no volume (four or five times) and then just writing about the progression of the storm. After the first paragraph, I started getting bored and just decided to add some people on a whim.

So the story and the goal of the story constantly changed as I was hurrying to write it. It is a 1 hour first draft with no pre-planning. That is just the result.

We saw cows at the Florida Strawberry Festival the Saturday before, so cows were still fresh in my mind. [Fun fact, did you know that 17% of Americans believe that Chocolate Milk comes from Brown cows? That is not true. However, the cows near Hershey, PA are fed the broken chocolate from the Hershey factory which does give their milk a higher cream content and a slightly better quality cream ... which makes better Chocolate.]


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